@Fred_Delicious

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

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@RandomAntics

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

@ValeeGrrl

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

@Violent2Dope304

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

@mattZillaaaa

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

@causticbob

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

@XplodingUnicorn

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

@laureneoneal

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?