[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Coffee is ready.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways