we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?