@RandomAntics we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
@Fred_Delicious [Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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@RandomAntics 
@ValeeGrrl 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
@SamGrittner The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
@mattsurely “I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
@Violent2Dope304 Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
@mattZillaaaa This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
@causticbob mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
@XplodingUnicorn Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
@BarryVonAwesome If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
@laureneoneal Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?