“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces