Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
2022 be like
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.