dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
You sure about that?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
🚲+physics = winner
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.