Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔