“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Zack Greinke stories are the best
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Kids, do not try this at home!