chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You Might Also Like
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.