Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Oh boy, $150,000!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”