Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn鈥檛 paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you鈥檙e not fooling anyone, we all know you鈥檝e doing Community Service.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I鈥檓 hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I鈥檝e never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 馃槓
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*