Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Love this guy
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.