dude it’s called proctologist
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Spotted in New Orleans.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.