Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
This headline is a thing of beauty
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.