Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Facebook memories be like
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You got this…
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that