dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
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