dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.


I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.


Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.


*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol


I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…


Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.


dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it


Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here


ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch


I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.