Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Note to self: I am a note
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
***i’d rather eat worms
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea