Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Note to self: I am a note

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea