Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Catering service
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.