Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.