“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
fixed it
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Some people were born into their job.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”