Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you