“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Not today.. 😂
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140