DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
You Might Also Like
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”