@stephenjmolloy

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

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@Reverend_Scott

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

@chuuew

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

@lisaxy424

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

@freypalm

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

@wildethingy

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

@JB4Realz

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

@Elizasoul80

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.