Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Can Happiness buy money?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*