Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel


Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try


Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.


Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.


Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.


WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.


ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”


Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.