dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work