Dudes named Chance never had one.
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Festive toon…
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.