Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”