due date
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Me irl
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Our lord and savoury.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.