Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
President The Rock Obama
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A family that plays together cheats.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Sorry. Not sorry
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now