Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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Born to be mild.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars