Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I bet birds love this building.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The struggle is real
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Kids, do not try this at home!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.