due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch