due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret