Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.