Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
You Might Also Like
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Cha-ching is my safe word
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything