due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
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One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office