Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking