Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”