“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Florida man
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.