Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.