due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Lol.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds