Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
You Might Also Like
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Worth a try
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool