“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY