dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Are we there yet?…
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.