Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
When your man makes a valid point
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.