Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
no!! no!!!!!!
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Monday Lisa
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂