Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
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listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
i wish i could marry a nap
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m crying im so happy for them
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Guys, I found it.