(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
This is always good for a laugh.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls