Dumplings,
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.