*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?