Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”