Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
You Might Also Like
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers