Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Just why bro?!
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Perfection.
📽️movie date🎞️
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Cndnsd Mlk
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.